Dad, You Are Embarrassing Me!

February 19, 2010 · Behavior | Help Pater

Is crazy self-consciousness normal? Does it last?

Removing bread crusts - illustration by Peter Arkle.

Life Under Gaze Of A Million Invisible People

Challenge of the morning: How do we get Girl Child’s hair washed if I can’t help while she’s in the bathtub? For maybe a year now, she’s been modest around Dad. Good for her. Her space, her prerogative, her almost-seven-year-old sovereign being.

On the other hand, her self-shampooing and rinsing still need work, and we are without adult females to do the job, which this morning is mission critical. The kid’s hair has gone over a filthy-dirty event horizon and is no longer hair as we know it.

No way can she go as-is to a debut playdate in the home of a first-grade classmate who always looks deep clean and groomed. Family has an au pair from Germany, for Gods sake.

Too early for emergency shampoo and deep conditioning at Supercuts, the wash of last resort, but the thought gives me an idea…I haul hair stuff down to the kitchen, clear off a countertop, roll up a fluffy towel so GC can lie on her back in comfort with head over the sink, and put on soothing light classical music.

Voila, Daddy’s Beauty Salon! Shampoo awaits, Milady. But first you must pay one thousand imaginary dollars…

Normally Girl Child loves such goofiness, but she hides under the table.

When I finally talk her out, she stage-whispers, You’re embarrassing me.

What? Who? There’s nobody here.

The neighbors, they can see!

She’s serious. It takes a demonstration of sight lines to convince her that the Roboneighbor family couldn’t watch if they wanted to. And, finally, we wash the damn hair.

I’ve been getting a lot of You’re embarrassing me when we’re alone. In the car, like, all I have to do is start singing or making stupid dad-jokes, and she says it and plainly means it.

Of course I also get a lot of You’re embarrassing me in public, and the poor kid visibly wills me to disappear. This I get. Kids have this morbid self-consciouness, and parents can, indeed, be major embarrassments. I felt that way about my own mother and father.

But embarrassment in a vacuum baffles. At the end of this hair-wash day, GC explains.

Not always but sometimes, even when there’s nobody around, she says – It’s like a million people are watching.

Okay, I wouldn’t want a million people watching the Daddy’s Salon thing, either.

Check the hair, though. Tangle free, body, bounce, sheen. Wait ‘til Mama gets home and sees.

Help Pater out here - Is such extreme self-consciousness okay? See it in your kid(s) too? Is there something we ought to do?

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Comments

Not that I haul the wife onto the kitchen counter, but I notice the same syndrome in spousal environs, only grown up. Such great writing. Noticed that you’re linked to today in that coolio blog, www.surefirewriting.com. Deservedly so.

Comment #1, posted by Robert Earle Howells - Surefire Writing on February 19, 2010 at 08:55:22 PM

You are one sweet Dad.

Comment #2, posted by YaYa on February 22, 2010 at 10:17:42 PM

I agree with YaYa! You are a very sweet, patient, creative daddy. The antithesis of my father, actually. Not that there is anything wrong with fascist dictator parenting.

I honestly don’t know if this embarrassment thing is normal, but my kid does the same thing, so… at least you’re not alone? I hope that is at least a small consolation.

In my son’s case, however, I’m fairly certain he’s just mimicking without comprehending. I often say “You’re embarrassing me!” in response to particularly bad public tantrums, so now he says it to me if I do something to annoy him (like singing loudly when we’re in the car). I mean, the kid routinely walks out of the bathroom at school with his ass hanging out and his pants around his ankles, yelling “I need someone to button my pants!” in front of the entire class, so I’m pretty sure NOTHING actually embarrasses him.

At least his complete lack of modestly leads to amusing situations, like when he goes streaking in front of my friends. Or that time he gleefully told the entire class of preschoolers that babies have to come through their mom’s vagina when they’re born. (Thankfully, half the class had NO idea what a vagina was, including several of the girls.)

I wish I could help you, Pater, but I have a kid with NO modesty and a memory that makes it difficult enough for me to remember what I had for breakfast, let alone how I behaved as a six-year-old girl.

Did something embarrassing happen at school, perhaps? Something that has made her extra self-conscious lately? I CAN say from experience that embarrassing things ARE difficult to bring up to parents.

Good luck!

Comment #3, posted by Jen A. on February 23, 2010 at 11:39:31 PM

HA!
You think it’s bad now? Just you wait!
My personal experience is this: being female involves living in a near constant state of mortification.

Over the years, my stepdaughter (she’s 18 now, but was about 10 when I met her dad) and her friends have only helped to confirm this long-held belief of mine. In fact, when I was introduced to her for the first time, she turned to her dad and said, ‘how did you get a girlfriend? You’re so embarrassing!’

Of course, now we both embarrass her, probably because we are too old to live, breathe, dance (oh! the horror!) or do much of anything other than hand over the car keys and pay the cell phone bill.

You have an interesting journey ahead of you, Pater. I’ll be checking back often to hear about how it unfolds. Brace yourself.

Comment #4, posted by Pixel Packin Momma on February 26, 2010 at 10:17:13 PM

I have an 8 year old son, *and* I’m a mom who works out of state. Last weekend was his birthday, and we had the party at a local skating rink. I asked him before we left if I would be skating, or hanging out at the party table on the sidelines.

His answer: “Please don’t skate, mom! The guys might see you!”

Sigh.

Comment #5, posted by Commuter Mom on March 5, 2010 at 11:50:43 AM

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Comment #6, posted by dantel on July 6, 2010 at 08:47:31 AM

Pater’s Plays

Father, Dear Father by Dixie Reelers

Roots Country (late 1930s) in Bad Dad vein. POV of child at bar begging father to come home where the fam freezes in dark. Download to hear Little Billy’s last words. Play on portable before you stop for drinks after work.

See Daddy of all Playlists