Pater Familias … because I'm your FATHER!

No Is New Yes

January 29, 2010 · Activities | Behavior | Influences | Suburban Survival

Do you and your kid(s) find happiness in refusal?

Negative Responses Liberate Positive Energy

Okay, that’s it. Five minutes after eight, right when we said we’d stop the movie and go upstairs to get ready for bed.

Girl Child acts panicky – “But this is my favorite part! It’ll be over in just a minute.” 

Cajoling – “It’s really funny. And I want you to see it.”

Indignant  – “You said a half-hour. I only got to watch 20 Minutes!”

Yeah, well, Minerva and I did say that. But half of that half-hour got frittered away.  

No. No, honey, it’s time.  

GC gets off the couch -- no noise, frowny face, no nothin’ showing except a flash of mysterious, inward satisfaction, like she just got her own way. Six-year-old honor and tradition required her to resist, but “No” is what the kid wanted to hear. I’ve seen it too many times to doubt it, sometimes in knock-down, drag-out battles of will to get something she really and truly wants.  “No” can make her happier than the “Yes” she throws a fit for.

Lately Pater has seen “No” do good all around.  

Other day, across the street, we got turned away by Euro-Auntie. She’s stay-at-home in charge of her sister Euro-Mamma’s two kids, one of them a bestest friend and maybe the most frequent play date of Girl Child. I like to take GC over there because a moment with a Euro-Lady brightens the afternoon.

“Sorry, things are a little chaotic,” said the aunt, telegraphing that she damn well feel like having another kid in the house.  

Thinking You go, lady, we re-crossed the street, with GC griping because I didn’t seem to mind.

I didn’t. Nor did I a week ago, when GC’s friend said she didn’t feel like playing. Never did it before, and GC was crushed. Then, though, we got a more surprising last-minute “Yes” from another bestest friend’s Mama, who said we could take her girl into the city to pick up Minerva and get some dinner.

It was perfect, great, but then a couple days later, GC tried to talk her way into a play date with that girl, who already had another kid coming over, and the mama said, “No, honey, there will be another time.”

There will be, too. GC didn’t even pout.

I feel like we’ve gone over some important social/developmental threshold – not just the kids, but everybody. Last year there was too much “Yes” that meant “I don’t know how to tell you ‘No.’” We were all new to each other, some of us new to having kids in elementary school, and tried too hard.

But now we know what works and what we can stand and say “No” to pains in the ass. And honest “No” makes “Yes” mean something.

Does "No" do beautiful things for you, too? What, how, why? Tell. 

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