Pater Familias … because I'm your FATHER!

The Capon Code

November 13, 2009 · Behavior | Suburban Survival

Ever (accidentally) cross the line with some kid’s mom?

Violations, However Innocent And Accidental, Carry Major Risks

“We should get together for a playdate,” says the mother of one of Girl Child’s friends from school.

“Yeah,” I say, “The kids, too.”

For a second-fraction the woman freezes, then walks on.

A dad I’ve been talking with hears and sees. We grin at the momentary awkwardness. Made the mama play statue, man. Funny.

No, not funny. Stupid. And there will be consequences.

At the very least I will feel like a tool for violating The Capon Code, by which work-at-home/stay-at-home fathers must live. To survive, here in Woman’s World, you make like you belong to a new, in-between gender, completely immune to male-female interest/tension/intrigue/anything.

You especially do not speak words that could come off sleazeball -- extra especially not to a mama talking playdate.

Truth, my “kids, too” wit bomb is about the way the woman says “we” to mean them, the kids, as if we the grownups no longer exist. I do it, too, and it's weird but also amusing, right? The other guy and I go heh-heh-heh because we’re guys.

But I still violate The Code, because my words could spin wrong and maybe did because the mama made that little freeze-step.

Think about what has been put at risk:

• Girl Child's friendship and fun.
• Lightening my own load, especially if we score a dropoff playdate.
• A little time with a human being who is not six years old.

All pure gold.

But screw up and break The Code, make somebody nervous, it could be gone, gone, gone. The price is too heavy. Please, please, please, don't make me pay. 

Notes

• A Capon is a castrated male chicken. No lust for hens, plump, tasty.  
• This time I will get off with just a warning — my own, to myself. After voice mails and a chance meet at another kid’s house, the woman and I finally get it together and set up a few hours at our place. Nice lady, great kid, primo playdate. There will be many more.
• Just the other day, for the very first time, I heard "playdate" used in a suggestive fashion. It happened at the Big Brick Elementary playground where kids and grownups hang after school lets out. I stood with a couple other dads and admired, from afar, an unamiliar mama. Young, Euro-looking, like some Hollywood movie au pair, at least from 50 yards. One guy said, "Oh yeah, I got a playdate with her." I thought he might, because of, you know, their kids. But then he went heh-heh-heh. Bad, bad dad.   

Tell — Have you misspoke, misstepped, mis-something? What happened?

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