Pater Familias … because I'm your FATHER!

Upscale Sales Pitches That Flatter And Set You Up To Get Screwed

September 2, 2010

You’re right, I’ve got to let this washing machine thing go. It did leave us too young, at a moment when replacing it caused a certain amount of pain, both emotional and financial. But now we’ve got this way cheaper old-school unit with no digital anything, which would have looked right in the showroom 20 years ago.  

With the new machine comes a new understanding. Never again will I fork out for a glam imported household appliance. The brief bit of design-forward smugness isn’t worth it, bro, not when it leads to extra-expensive repairs before you finally give up and get rid of the damn thing. 

But there’s another, possibly larger, lesson. From this day forward I shall look with profound distrust on anything marketed with direct appeals to….

1)      Greenie concerns and enviro compunctions

2)      Vanity about personal intelligence

The model name of my washer – EcoSmart – said it all. Either concept should have set off buyer beware alarms. The combo name translates as, “Bend over, high-minded fool. We’re blowing smoke up your butt so you’ll pay more for less and admire yourself for it.”

In truth, 1) and 2) are two sides of the same self-glorifying coin. Both mean that you’re superior to regular people who buy regular stuff because they don’t know enough to care about the planet and get why this expensive thing, whatever it is, is worth it.

If you believe it, as I apparently did, you can be gulled into buying a washer that’ll use so many gallons of water less than a conventional unit and has techy advanced design and is made, for Gods sake, in New Zealand.

If you really, really buy into the core message, that you’re a cut above the rest of humanity and your purchases prove it, you’re an ass.

I have a battery-powered lawnmower branded Earth Wise – same BS as EcoSmart – that I paid too much for, which is extremely heavy and cuts only so-so. When the grass gets high, I have to borrow the neighbor’s Honda-powered mower. Now and again I wonder if disposal of the great big battery will do more harm to Earth than fumes from the gas mower and muse about how wise my lawnmower buy was.  

It’s all so simple and self-evident. If I’m buying, somebody else is selling, with a sales pitch meant to make me feel good and not think too hard. What makes a machine more or less enviro are cold, hard specs like energy usage, spelled out on a big yellow label as required by law. The eco pitch is just noise, as is somebody telling me how smart I am so I won’t bother to be smart.

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